Step 1

Ok,

So I feel like I'm pretty done with the first step of Getting your life back on track which is admitting that you have a problem. I have a problem. The problem is that i don't like myself very much or see much value in my self. This creates an amazing subset of problems but i feel like they are the symptoms and this is the root.

So once you realize you have a problem you typically move on to what needs to be done to fix the problem and then you do that. Unfortunately the issue at hand for me isn't as simple as I'm hungry or I'm lonely or I need to lose weight. If i knew what needed to be done to fix the problem i wouldn't be in this situation. Instead of concrete answers i have some vague general notion and at least for me i think instead of figuring out what needs to be done i just need to do it. It being anything at all that excites me or makes me happy or pushes me to grow or that i'm even a little bit interested. My motto for 2015 is more doing and less thinking and i'll admit my goal is to say yes to every invitation i receive.

I'm assuming that falling in love with yourself is a lot like falling in love with someone else. It happens without trying and when you lease expect it. My goal is to at the very least be busy enough to forget to loathe myself for awhile.

Tomorrow is saying yes to a root canal and an idea that I am going to take care of my teeth because i deserve not to be in pain and because my health is worth the immense and extreme financial burden.

Distraction, good for what ails you.

So i'm currently home sitting on the couch at 241pm watching HGTV with jinx. I didn't call in sad to work either actually (although a mental health day is definitely warranted) but went in the morning only to be thwarted by the tooth pain i've been doing my damndest to ignore. Today however the scale tipped. The thought of being in pain continuously was worse than the thought of the pain i knew i'd encounter at the dentist. I'll be heading back for a root canal on tuesday and its vicodin till then.

But the point is, with my mind focused on pain, then finding a doctor, making the appointment, getting the insurance info, finding the doctor filling my prescription and locating soup for lunch i've been too busy to think about my self worth, my body image or being sad. And i noticed i've been feeling a hell of a lot less blue. I'm a big fan of thinking over things and ruminating on them if doing so well help the situation but i think for me more doing and less thinking would be a great thing.

The black hole speaks

So I put in for a promotion at work and I really thought I would get it. I have experience in the field, I had a great recommendation from my last supervisor and I work my ass off.

I found out yesterday that i didn't get it. They said i was choice number two but considering they didn't even interview me I don't think i was actually considered. It's not suppose to work this way but I'm realizing more and more that when you move offices you start at square one. All of my hard work, my good reputation, all of the connections I've made are now null and void. I'm back at square one and I'm at the bottom of the totem poll.

It's no big deal, its not like i got fired or demoted and people get passed over for promotions all of the time except that my work that i do is the only thing i've ever felt like i've been good at. I've spent so much of my life and i've given so much of myself to this job and i feel like i have absolutely nothing now to show for it. I feel like as far as worth goes that I have none.

A black hole feels like it is collapsing in on itself. It feels like the pressure from the outside is too much to bear and the only safe spot is inside. A black hole would rather implode and hurt itself than explode and hurt others. A black hole still ends up hurting people though so it wishes that it didn't exist and then it becomes antimatter which decimates all it comes into contact with.

I'm not stupid although i feel really stupid lately. I know i'm at the very least dealing with a depressive episode. I get it. I promise I'm not going to hurt myself, and i'll seek help if it gets worse. And i don't really want to talk about it because what is there to say? My husband tells me how much he loves me all of the time and even though i believe him i can't fathom why.

The fake out...

I figure at this point any curious stealth readers will have dropped off figuring i've given up on my blogging resolution.  I have to a point, a blog a week if not more is my new goal. And i accept that sometimes that might not happen. but anyways.

right now tonight this is going to act as a journal. i'm not proof reading, punctuating or capitalizing although i don't do a lot of that stuff in general so really not so different

I think there are things that can only really be done well alone. I prefer to read alone although i can enjoy a book in company if i'm comfortable or if the book is more exciting than the company. I also prefer to write alone.

I keep trying to find the exact right poetic way to say that i feel like a black hole personified. i am the walking equivalent of am empty space and my need is terrifying and powerful. need for love, need for validation, need for affection and ego stroking. I feel like an actual vacuous pit.

The above statement sounds really silly and quite a lot like 16 year old me has come back to blog but i don't have a better way to say it.

I just don't feel like a whole person anymore. I find myself lacking motivation to write even because I feel like my ideas are stupid and not worth reading. I know that's not a very nice way to think about myself and that negative self talk (mental, written and said a loud) aren't good for me but its the truth as to why I haven't been blogging.

I think the very worst thing is that feeling this way is really all on me. I have a supportive partner and family who do everything they can but its never enough to fill the bottomless need pit. job, friends. blah. its just me. i can't seem to find a way to like myself or see the value in what i offer a lot of the time. I can sometimes. many times but then some days, or weeks, or maybe even once or twice month it slips through my fingers like water.

so i'm working on finding my worth again and holding onto it tight but im finding that life makes it hard. and also that i make it hard for myself. but i like being honest and writing honestly so i'm going to attempt to keep doing that to the best of my ability. but no pinkie swears

also see? if anyone besides jonathan (hi jonathan!) is still reading you made it to the juicy parts so good for you for sticking with it!

I thought about it.

I did. Yesterday I did not forget and I actively thought about blogging. And still I didn't quite make it. Honestly I was feeling pretty blue after a tough work week and even though writing would be the best thing for me I didn't feel like spewing out negativity and in general being a negative nelly. I think maybe because I was such an unnecessarily dour and unpleasant teen that I just don't feel comfortable spewing sadness to the general world. Those I'm closest too get to see it, but to the general public I prefer to keep a smiley facade.

I did realize something yesterday which really shouldn't have been a revelation but it was. I thrive when i'm given positive feedback, praise and affection. I can survive without all of the above but to really bloom fully a positive safe space is needed. I think that most people are the same way and I hope its a realization that make sure to hold onto If i'm lucky enough to become a parent or someones boss one day.

lessons learned.

I've been sucking it up lately as far as consistency goes and really the only way i can make up for it is poignancy and so here I go. 

I thought about writing on Sunday after returning home. I thought about writing Monday too after the epic (i use that word a lot but in this case EPIC is really fitting) Seahawks win. But doing a straight recap of events didn't seem honest and it took me today to figure out why. 

I could have told you that Saturday night was full of drama and too much booze and that we made it to the show only to be underwhelmed and to see the night go down in a blazing glory of whiskey and punches. And it would have been true (and for the record I did not drink too much or throw punches). But it also wouldn't have been honest  because there is more to say. 

Undoubtedly some of my very best memories of my 20's were spent at flowmotion shows dancing, making googoo eyes at Josh Clausen and flirting with hippie boys. It was a way to let go and feel good and feel sexy and really revel in being for all intensive purposes care free. And after a year of massive changes I wanted that comfort of the familiar and of youth and of being care free again. I thought I could go and have a few drinks and see this band that I've loved so dearly in the past and that it would be just the same as it was. 

What I didn't take into account is that I'm not the same as I was. And for the record flowmotion is not the same either (they were playing without the lead guitarist. it was lame sauce). I can't get wasted without carefree abandon now because unlike in my youth I get embarrassed when I step on people or spill on them or otherwise make an ass of myself. The thought of being in public and out of control terrifies me. Not only that but when I see people I care about left defenseless by imbibing too much I worry and its not the kind of worry that can be danced away to a funky beat. Flirting with hippies is pointless since I somehow wrangled the cutest quasi hippie boy there is and after all of the rumors of ego trips and back stabbing Josh Clausen has lost his luster. 

There is no going back. There is no returning to my stupid days of being young. There is only this comfortable subdued present and the unknown adventures of the future. 

Flowmotion reunion

this will be a short one because I forgot to write at home and we are en route to the ferry. So
Very slowly tapping on my phone. Big news today is that we booked our flights for Europe in August/September! Our honeymoon turned into an anniversary celebration but that's aok with me. The others exciting news is that my very favorite local band flowmotion is playing in their original incarnation and not their second coming The true spokes. Flowmotion = happy jammy dance music. The true spokes = something else. So tonight ill be dancing! And tomorrow its Hawk time

oops I did it again...

Yep. I missed blogging yesterday. It was a busy one with work and then guests for dinner in the form of my Aunt Jan (who we were living with previously) My kinda uncle Todd, and family friends the Garretts. I made pot roast, Jonathan gave tours and a good time was had by all. Except for the blog. which was forgotten.

Oops I did it again is also the title of a pretty epic pop song from what I refer to as the golden era of pop. Seriously, I'm not sure pop will ever be as good as it was in the late 90s and early aughts. Britney, N'Sync, Backstreet, Nelly all selling MILLIONS and MILLIONs of CDs... oooo the old days right on the cusp of napster, before Itunes or spotify...

Pop might sell but it very rarely gets any critical love and honestly I think that's bullshit. There is some very good, very emotional pop out there you just have to seek it out. I like pop. I like most music though. If you find yourself Jonseing for some good pop music though i can't recommend Robyn's Bodytalk albums enough.

Speaking of music.. Tomorrow is the Flowmotion reunion show!!! I will explain more but for now i'm off to go whip up some calamari...why go to a restaurant when you can make it at home twice as well?

anger

I didn't want to write tonight because i'm really angry and typically when i'm angry and i write i end up deleting everything the next day.

A psychologist once told me that anger is an impure emotion.  That no one is ever just angry, they feel angry because they are sad, or afraid, or threatened.

I'm angry today because i'm disappointed and sad. I feel like everytime i feel this way i end up looking back on it and thinking why did i waste so much time and energy feeling that way, but im not there yet and for now i'm just angry

Miracle at the DOL

     I had to go get new tabs today which as far as benign chores go is pretty much the worst. Not only do you have to go to a boring ass government office that keeps the same inconvenient business hours as your (my) government office does but you have to fork over $100 and all you get is a chincy sticker for your car. And the worst part is the waiting.... always waiting. sometimes 20 minutes, most times closer to 30 or 40 and on occasion an hour. The seats are uncomfortable, the masses are dirty and unwashed and even with an iphone for distraction its boring as hell.
    Which is why i considered it a miracle from the general life gods today when i arrived to an absolutely empty office... there was no line. Just three representatives waiting to help me. Not only that but their is no mandated emissions test in Kitsap county and my licencing fee was half of what it was in king county. not too shabby if i do say so myself!

BucksVDucks

     Firstly, can I just start off by saying how absolutely stupid it is to have the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP for college football on a Monday. A Monday????  Really????? Even if people made it a long weekend to celebrate they'd have to go to work all hung over tomorrow. It is just dumb. DUMB

    The Bucks referred to, in the title, are in fact THE Ohio State Buckeyes beloved football team of THE Ohio State University, my beloved's Alma matter, and the Ducks of course are Eugene Oregon's own University of Oregon Ducks. And if I had not married my beloved buckeye i'd probably be cheering for Oregon just cause you know... It's Oregon. Our sister state to the south. part of the PNW family. 

    But along with the other secret unspoken parts of my marriage vows (such as being in charge of all Christmas shopping for the both of us) I agreed forever more to root for, support and hopefully one day grow to love THE Ohio State Buckeyes and so i say go little dancing acorns!!! go!!! 

    Right now the Buckeyes are ahead by 1.. there have been 4 turnovers in the last quarter.. Jonathan just cracked another beer...not to party (cause it is a god damn Monday) but to numb the pain and anxiety... 

awwww shiiiiit

     I forgot to blog yesterday! well, I didn't exactly forget. I thought about it and intended to and then got distracted by other things. And most likely it won't be the last time it happens. But do we give up after one stumble?!?!?! oh hell no. Even if i end up with only 300 posts at the end of the year it will still be worth it.
    So part of why i forgot yesterday is that it was a super busy Saturday. I got up early and did a speed run to the grocery store for chili supplies, came home and had the chili simmering by 10am. The rest of the day was spent unpacking, demo-ing and preparing prosciutto wrapped dates (surprisingly time consuming). Also a small crisis involving our yard having too many trees for direct TV to be involved which jeopardized our ability to watch the Seahawks in the playoffs. I'm not quite sure what Jonathan did but we discovered we some how magically have cable via wave that we are not paying for (although we do pay them handsomely for internet) so the crisis was averted. Dana, Taylor Sofia and Henry arrived 4 and Jenni followed shortly thereafter. Chili was eaten, beer was drank (though not by me) and much merriment was had. And most importantly the Seahawks won! Can i get a sqeeeehawk???
    Most amusingly and also disturbingly we all witnessed jinxycat take a voluntary 12 plunge off of the staircase to avoid Sofia. Although quite bothered by the children he was otherwise fine and was actually quite affectionate and social once they left
    And after a much needed lazy morning involving slowly sipped coffee and a delicious pancetta, onion and mushroom scramble we were back to work. An epic three hour trip to lowes to get necessary items to begin tiling followed by an equally epic albeit shorter trip to the grocery store. I've been in the kitchen for the past three hours prepping dinner for tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday and Jonathan's been demo-ing like a champ. On tonight's menu noodle-less lasagna which I'm pretty sure i also janked from skinnytaste.com. The super special secret? thinnly sliced zucchinis in place of noodles.
    When did my weekends get so damn productive? blargh, probably the same time I got old and boring. It will be nice next weekend to let loose a bit, but for now i'm off to put the fauxsagna in.

Lush surprise!

     So I am obsessed with the Lush company. For those not in the know they are the purveyors of luxury bath, shower and beauty supplies and if soaking in the bath is your little slice of heaven on earth (it's mine) I can't recommend them enough. 

     That said....they are super pricey. Like over $5 a bath bomb....sometimes $10 and they only have one sale a year and its the day after Christmas buy one get one free. And yes... i am so obsessed that i set my alarm to wake up early for this special day after Christmas sale. And i have been anxiously awaiting my horde of new shower gel since that date. According to the Lush facebook page (yes, i'm facebook friends with lush because i'm a total loser) due to higher than expected volumes there were delays in shipping (which i experienced) and also some of the products were crushed... 

    My box showed up to day and while there was a small leaked amount of  my rose jam shower gel (really small, hardly noticeable) the rest of my products arrived in fine shape...and... something thats never happened to me before.. 

    Bonus Lush lotion!!!! this kind!!!!

 http://www.lushusa.com/African-Paradise/05175,en_US,pd.html  

 $40's worth of freeeeeeee lotion!!!!  it was not on my invoice, i did not order or pay for it but man...it sounds stupid but it completely made my day and i am on cloud nine. sometimes it is the (not so) little things... i promise next blog a full review of my ill gotten lotion. happy friday yo! 

   

typical journal entry

     I feel like if someone was reading this and expecting a general rundown of my day that they would be pretty disappointed.. both because typically I don't think that's what I'll be writing about but also because when i do it is as they say in Tacoma and Federal way Hella boring. To demonstrate how boring it would be if i wrote simply about my day every entry i will now do just that.
    I woke up at 550 when the coffee pot started coffee potting and laid in bed and snuggled with Jonathan on one side and Jinx on the other. Got up at 6 to brush teeth wash face and do hair followed by getting dressed and packing my gym bag. Jonathan took over the bathroom once i vacated it and i went to the kitchen to pour us coffee, get my lunch ready and grab a banana with natural peanut butter which is what breakfast consisted of today. Had breakfast and coffee with ghostpepper while watching the morning news and then off to work. The drive to work takes about 12 minutes and involves no freeways, no traffic, but a few traffic lights. Once at work I log onto my computer so that i can clock in and check out my schedule for the day. then i usually have a cup of peppermint green tea or some other herbal variety. Today was peppermint.  I usually use the first hour to do boring data entry things like scheduling appointments, inputting wages, yada yada. 8:00 AM I check my fucking awful voice mails and return calls. Part of the reason i do this at 8:00am is because its the earliest we are suppose to call people and also because my very worst cases (the drug addicts and drunks) are usually still asleep. After that at 9:00 its some sort of appointment which is basically how the rest of my morning goes.
    Lunch consisted of a spinach salad with baked chicken breast, toasted sesame ginger dressing and spicy pecans. I also took a lunch walk to trader joes and got dinner for tonight. The afternoon today was spent scheduling more reviews as the big push with my agency is income and resource integrity reviews cause they save us scrilla. the next few months i will be reviewing like a champ all day everyday. I left after my 8 hour day (this is rare) and I drove to Y for Pilates. Pilates today was with the good instructor who is amusing and encouraging and actually demos the moves. Then home to find Ghostpepper in full demolition mode in the guest bath. I took a nice long shower in the master bath. After that I made dinner which was a Mediterranean style chicken breast with artichoke hearts and sun-dried tomatoes and roasted Brussels sprouts with balsamic drizzle. Watched a little Jeopardy and now here I am
     And the thing that would make recalling each day every day is that they are all more or less just like that one. Besides the demolition of course although I think for the next three months that might be normal too. So there ya go..If you wanted to know what i do all day that's about it. The reason i like to write though is because you can share your opinions, thoughts and dreams which in my case are a lot more interesting (well at least in my head) than my day to day.
   

non-gripes

     To counter act the griping of yesterdays blog i thought i'd take to today to point out the little things that I enjoy. Not the obvious stuff like Jonathan and being healthy but the smaller things

I enjoy unit lunches at my office. It's not something I've experienced before in my previous offices and especially since i still feel like the awkward new kid the chance to connect and get to know my coworkers better is much appreciated

I really enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning, just cream, no sugar and a nice nutty roast.

I also enjoy our programmable coffee pot that does allows me to leap directly from bed and pour myself a cup.

I like NPRs all songs considered end of year wrap up and listeners choice podcasts. every year i find a stash of new to me music.

I love Law and Order SVU. Stabler and Benson for life although the new episodes are enjoyable too. I also appreciate netflix and hulu for making SVU so readily available to me.

Young adult novels. Don't judge. I like nearly all books but the YA genre is so very readable. While much of it is the book equivalent of trashy reality TV some of it (daughter of smoke and bone trilogy,  Elliot and Park etc) is just really good.

The move Labyrinth. because its creepy and wonderful and kind of disturbing and also because David Bowie's inappropriate package is the real star of the movie.

gripes

So fair warning, these are gripes of the quintessential 1st world problems kind. I'm happy, I'm healthy and i have no real life complaints, just gripes as follows

The Silverdale Safeway. It's busy, the fish selection sucks and I just don't like it

My favorite beer from Elysian previously only available in 22 ounce sized was just released in six pack form right as i swear off beer for a few months (its the double shot espresso milk stout, go enjoy it for me)

The Pilates instructor tonight. She was good at Pilates but a terrible teacher. She started off the class by asking how peeps were, when they asked her the same she said she over indulged in Christmas (no shit, didn't' we all???)  and felt fat. She wasn't even kind of a little bit maybe if you squint fat. She's a god damn Pilates instructor and i felt the palpable shame from my normal bodied gym going cohorts as soon as she said this. She also made no attempt to modify any of the more complex moves which is pretty lame considering many people had let it be known that it was their first class.

getting gas. I don't know why but i just find it endlessly annoying.

Voice mails. At work, at home. i hate them. I came back yesterday after being off work for more or less two weeks to 38 terrible messages... I had switched my message to say I would be out of the office till the 5th and yet the claimants kept a calling.. repeatedly... leaving angry messages about why i had not called them back.

Katy Perry. Don't get me wrong, i'll rock out to E.T. on occasion but that's mainly because i love Kanye (and yes i do switch the radio if the kanye-less version comes on)  but besides that she is terrible. In all ways possible. This coming from someone who loves pop music and culture

When concerts i want to go to are on work nights. blerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh i'm old.

Ode to my crockpot

      Indeed it was a long dark dreary Monday. It was dark out when i left the house and dark out when I got back which isn't terribly shocking considering it is the definition of the dead of winter. That said its disturbingly not cold out, i was expecting an icy blast when I left for work today and instead when i walked out the door it felt like.. march. Or possibly even June in these parts. Actually the weather was very similar to our wedding day in August.

      So basically what I'm trying to convey here is that it was a drudge of a day. I really did not want to go to the gym after 9 hours of SSI fun but i promised myself and a promise is a promise. Is there anything more terrifying than a gym parking lot in January? I got to the Y (which has a freakishly huge parking lot) nice and early before my torture class and i still had to play parking spot hide and seek. I can't even be smug and bitch about the resolutioners this year because I'm pretty sure skipping the gym for two months and then starting again in January makes me one of them. Oh to be smug again. Honestly that's the number 1 reason i go to the gym. I enjoy the health benefits and the being able to fit into my pants parts too but really the best part about being an active gym goer is the smugness. 

    The last thing i wanted to do after getting home sweaty and tired was make dinner. Annnnd because i have a crockpot and the crockpot is awesome i didn't have to! Caribbean jerk pork was all ready for me! I was able to prep it yesterday when i had both more time and energy and it was amazing. Like many of "my special dishes" I janked it from skinnytaste.com  here is the recipe if you are are looking or something tasty and easy and you also have a slow cooker http://www.skinnytaste.com/2013/02/slow-cooked-jerk-pork-with-caribbean_19.html I add more onion to the salad than is called for and i serve mine over quinoa not necessarily because it tastes better but because its January which as discussed yesterday means no simple carbs. The slow cooker may not be the sexiest kitchen gadgets or even the most glamorous (both of those titles go to the kitchen aid mixer) but damn if it isn't my favorite. A hot tasty meal waiting for me with little to no effort. fuck yes. 

Back to the grind

     Isn't tomorrow considered "blue Monday"? I'm fairly certain that I didn't make that up, the first Monday in the first full work week of the year is called blue Monday. And I get it, heading back to work with no Christmas lights, Christmas cookies or promise of presents to help get you through the cold dark day can be a bit of a bummer. But I'm also fairly certain that I'm not alone in finding it a bit of a relief.
    And so today, like many others I'm sure i say goodbye to my delicious carby friends. Goodbye bread, goodbye rice, goodbye pastries and rolls and crusts...goodbye sugar. For the past few years i've found my body responds best to a high protein high fiber diet...and that my mind responds best to a good hour of activity after my sedentary day at work. And yet with everything that was going on from about September onwards both of those things took a back seat. Understandable sure, but not sustainable (not healthily at least) so i join the masses tomorrow in returning to my typical way of eating and making the first of many pilgrimages back to the gym.
     First week will be hell (sugar like any other drug has one hell of a detox period) but after that as long as i plan ahead, but a bit of effort into it and don't get complacent it will be normal. I think that the key point that people miss when they decide to get healthier or make any kind of big switch is the planning that needs to go into a choice like that. I made sure my gym app and my calorie tracking app were up to date and ready. I double checked the gym schedule to make sure i had a plan for the week. And most importantly i got delicious nutrient dense meals for the next four days planned out and ingredients obtained. If you want to succeed you set yourself up for the success and the rest is just flexing the will power a bit.

I say that after enjoying one last beer and one last donut.

The wonders of Valholl

     So, as was previously mentioned and as will be mentioned again we moved recently. We ended up leaving the uber trendy Seattle neighborhood of Fremont behind for the more...subdued....locale of Poulsbo. Which isn't to say that the Poulsbo doesn't have its own set of small town country charm. It does 100% but leaving the incredibly vibrant metropolitan area has been tough on me, particularly when we were rooming with my aunt for the last three months stuck in a state of limbo.

     One of the things that has eased my transitions is Valholl brewery http://www.valhollbrewing.com/. Mainly because they make really great beer (I honestly like it better than Fremont brewing or most Elysians) but also because the brew-house is a really laid back place to chill. Its the kind of place that had it been in Fremont we probably would have avoided because it would been packed to the gills with frat boys and hipsters. In Poulsbo its a nice crowd, but we've never not gotten a table. I love good beer, I like a great atmosphere and I really love not having to wait for a table at my favorite spot. all in all two thumbs up.

   

Prologue

       What would you call the prologue to a blog? Problog? Pre-blog? Whatever term you prefer I'm taking January 2nd 2015 to recount the series of events that lead the yet another blog resolution. I think to start the mutual understanding that in general 2014 was a difficult year. Difficult in the way of being a teenager in the throws of puberty, full of growth, utterly necessary and completely terrible. 

      Which isn't to say that it didn't have it's fantastic magical parts. In the end 2014 worked out so very well for me and Jonathan but we didn't know that it was going to work out so well until it did. And I don't like not knowing how things are going to work out and therefore I found myself unduly stressed and sad and doubting myself as each curve of life approached. My lovely husband suggested making a list of the things that brought me joy or that i was genuinely interested in and to pursue them in order to regain a bit of mojo. 

    Writing was at the top of the list, and a challenge given to keep me motivated. Jonathan designed the layout of the blog you're looking at and I think its his interpretation of what it looks like inside of my head. It's not entirely too far off. 

Surprisingly absolutely no one the winking Bono is my favorite part. If that's not a good reminder on the attractiveness of confidence i don't know what is. 

New years resolutions

      I think if you'd asked me as recently as a few years past I would have told you that they were dumb. And in a way resolutions are dumb, because you can make changes or set goals at any point during the year and be just as if not more so successful. And yet, there is something enticingly fresh about a shiny new year. I think personally that there's something enticing about the freshness of January, the return to a routine after holiday excess, the crispness and the cool that make resolutions seem like such a wise idea this time of year.

      And so here I am keeping a resolution i made for 2015. One blog for every day. Not the first time i've undertaken this particular resolution but hopefully the first time I keep it. Even if i can't make it to a computer a journal entry will be made. Because I like to write because it keeps me sane and i'm also at that point in my life where i'm feeling exceedingly mortal and the idea of a legacy is becoming more attractive with each passing moment.

Happy 2015.