So I put in for a promotion at work and I really thought I would get it. I have experience in the field, I had a great recommendation from my last supervisor and I work my ass off.
I found out yesterday that i didn't get it. They said i was choice number two but considering they didn't even interview me I don't think i was actually considered. It's not suppose to work this way but I'm realizing more and more that when you move offices you start at square one. All of my hard work, my good reputation, all of the connections I've made are now null and void. I'm back at square one and I'm at the bottom of the totem poll.
It's no big deal, its not like i got fired or demoted and people get passed over for promotions all of the time except that my work that i do is the only thing i've ever felt like i've been good at. I've spent so much of my life and i've given so much of myself to this job and i feel like i have absolutely nothing now to show for it. I feel like as far as worth goes that I have none.
A black hole feels like it is collapsing in on itself. It feels like the pressure from the outside is too much to bear and the only safe spot is inside. A black hole would rather implode and hurt itself than explode and hurt others. A black hole still ends up hurting people though so it wishes that it didn't exist and then it becomes antimatter which decimates all it comes into contact with.
I'm not stupid although i feel really stupid lately. I know i'm at the very least dealing with a depressive episode. I get it. I promise I'm not going to hurt myself, and i'll seek help if it gets worse. And i don't really want to talk about it because what is there to say? My husband tells me how much he loves me all of the time and even though i believe him i can't fathom why.
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