Ok,
So I feel like I'm pretty done with the first step of Getting your life back on track which is admitting that you have a problem. I have a problem. The problem is that i don't like myself very much or see much value in my self. This creates an amazing subset of problems but i feel like they are the symptoms and this is the root.
So once you realize you have a problem you typically move on to what needs to be done to fix the problem and then you do that. Unfortunately the issue at hand for me isn't as simple as I'm hungry or I'm lonely or I need to lose weight. If i knew what needed to be done to fix the problem i wouldn't be in this situation. Instead of concrete answers i have some vague general notion and at least for me i think instead of figuring out what needs to be done i just need to do it. It being anything at all that excites me or makes me happy or pushes me to grow or that i'm even a little bit interested. My motto for 2015 is more doing and less thinking and i'll admit my goal is to say yes to every invitation i receive.
I'm assuming that falling in love with yourself is a lot like falling in love with someone else. It happens without trying and when you lease expect it. My goal is to at the very least be busy enough to forget to loathe myself for awhile.
Tomorrow is saying yes to a root canal and an idea that I am going to take care of my teeth because i deserve not to be in pain and because my health is worth the immense and extreme financial burden.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Distraction, good for what ails you.
So i'm currently home sitting on the couch at 241pm watching HGTV with jinx. I didn't call in sad to work either actually (although a mental health day is definitely warranted) but went in the morning only to be thwarted by the tooth pain i've been doing my damndest to ignore. Today however the scale tipped. The thought of being in pain continuously was worse than the thought of the pain i knew i'd encounter at the dentist. I'll be heading back for a root canal on tuesday and its vicodin till then.
But the point is, with my mind focused on pain, then finding a doctor, making the appointment, getting the insurance info, finding the doctor filling my prescription and locating soup for lunch i've been too busy to think about my self worth, my body image or being sad. And i noticed i've been feeling a hell of a lot less blue. I'm a big fan of thinking over things and ruminating on them if doing so well help the situation but i think for me more doing and less thinking would be a great thing.
But the point is, with my mind focused on pain, then finding a doctor, making the appointment, getting the insurance info, finding the doctor filling my prescription and locating soup for lunch i've been too busy to think about my self worth, my body image or being sad. And i noticed i've been feeling a hell of a lot less blue. I'm a big fan of thinking over things and ruminating on them if doing so well help the situation but i think for me more doing and less thinking would be a great thing.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
The black hole speaks
So I put in for a promotion at work and I really thought I would get it. I have experience in the field, I had a great recommendation from my last supervisor and I work my ass off.
I found out yesterday that i didn't get it. They said i was choice number two but considering they didn't even interview me I don't think i was actually considered. It's not suppose to work this way but I'm realizing more and more that when you move offices you start at square one. All of my hard work, my good reputation, all of the connections I've made are now null and void. I'm back at square one and I'm at the bottom of the totem poll.
It's no big deal, its not like i got fired or demoted and people get passed over for promotions all of the time except that my work that i do is the only thing i've ever felt like i've been good at. I've spent so much of my life and i've given so much of myself to this job and i feel like i have absolutely nothing now to show for it. I feel like as far as worth goes that I have none.
A black hole feels like it is collapsing in on itself. It feels like the pressure from the outside is too much to bear and the only safe spot is inside. A black hole would rather implode and hurt itself than explode and hurt others. A black hole still ends up hurting people though so it wishes that it didn't exist and then it becomes antimatter which decimates all it comes into contact with.
I'm not stupid although i feel really stupid lately. I know i'm at the very least dealing with a depressive episode. I get it. I promise I'm not going to hurt myself, and i'll seek help if it gets worse. And i don't really want to talk about it because what is there to say? My husband tells me how much he loves me all of the time and even though i believe him i can't fathom why.
I found out yesterday that i didn't get it. They said i was choice number two but considering they didn't even interview me I don't think i was actually considered. It's not suppose to work this way but I'm realizing more and more that when you move offices you start at square one. All of my hard work, my good reputation, all of the connections I've made are now null and void. I'm back at square one and I'm at the bottom of the totem poll.
It's no big deal, its not like i got fired or demoted and people get passed over for promotions all of the time except that my work that i do is the only thing i've ever felt like i've been good at. I've spent so much of my life and i've given so much of myself to this job and i feel like i have absolutely nothing now to show for it. I feel like as far as worth goes that I have none.
A black hole feels like it is collapsing in on itself. It feels like the pressure from the outside is too much to bear and the only safe spot is inside. A black hole would rather implode and hurt itself than explode and hurt others. A black hole still ends up hurting people though so it wishes that it didn't exist and then it becomes antimatter which decimates all it comes into contact with.
I'm not stupid although i feel really stupid lately. I know i'm at the very least dealing with a depressive episode. I get it. I promise I'm not going to hurt myself, and i'll seek help if it gets worse. And i don't really want to talk about it because what is there to say? My husband tells me how much he loves me all of the time and even though i believe him i can't fathom why.
Monday, February 2, 2015
The fake out...
I figure at this point any curious stealth readers will have dropped off figuring i've given up on my blogging resolution. I have to a point, a blog a week if not more is my new goal. And i accept that sometimes that might not happen. but anyways.
right now tonight this is going to act as a journal. i'm not proof reading, punctuating or capitalizing although i don't do a lot of that stuff in general so really not so different
I think there are things that can only really be done well alone. I prefer to read alone although i can enjoy a book in company if i'm comfortable or if the book is more exciting than the company. I also prefer to write alone.
I keep trying to find the exact right poetic way to say that i feel like a black hole personified. i am the walking equivalent of am empty space and my need is terrifying and powerful. need for love, need for validation, need for affection and ego stroking. I feel like an actual vacuous pit.
The above statement sounds really silly and quite a lot like 16 year old me has come back to blog but i don't have a better way to say it.
I just don't feel like a whole person anymore. I find myself lacking motivation to write even because I feel like my ideas are stupid and not worth reading. I know that's not a very nice way to think about myself and that negative self talk (mental, written and said a loud) aren't good for me but its the truth as to why I haven't been blogging.
I think the very worst thing is that feeling this way is really all on me. I have a supportive partner and family who do everything they can but its never enough to fill the bottomless need pit. job, friends. blah. its just me. i can't seem to find a way to like myself or see the value in what i offer a lot of the time. I can sometimes. many times but then some days, or weeks, or maybe even once or twice month it slips through my fingers like water.
so i'm working on finding my worth again and holding onto it tight but im finding that life makes it hard. and also that i make it hard for myself. but i like being honest and writing honestly so i'm going to attempt to keep doing that to the best of my ability. but no pinkie swears
also see? if anyone besides jonathan (hi jonathan!) is still reading you made it to the juicy parts so good for you for sticking with it!
right now tonight this is going to act as a journal. i'm not proof reading, punctuating or capitalizing although i don't do a lot of that stuff in general so really not so different
I think there are things that can only really be done well alone. I prefer to read alone although i can enjoy a book in company if i'm comfortable or if the book is more exciting than the company. I also prefer to write alone.
I keep trying to find the exact right poetic way to say that i feel like a black hole personified. i am the walking equivalent of am empty space and my need is terrifying and powerful. need for love, need for validation, need for affection and ego stroking. I feel like an actual vacuous pit.
The above statement sounds really silly and quite a lot like 16 year old me has come back to blog but i don't have a better way to say it.
I just don't feel like a whole person anymore. I find myself lacking motivation to write even because I feel like my ideas are stupid and not worth reading. I know that's not a very nice way to think about myself and that negative self talk (mental, written and said a loud) aren't good for me but its the truth as to why I haven't been blogging.
I think the very worst thing is that feeling this way is really all on me. I have a supportive partner and family who do everything they can but its never enough to fill the bottomless need pit. job, friends. blah. its just me. i can't seem to find a way to like myself or see the value in what i offer a lot of the time. I can sometimes. many times but then some days, or weeks, or maybe even once or twice month it slips through my fingers like water.
so i'm working on finding my worth again and holding onto it tight but im finding that life makes it hard. and also that i make it hard for myself. but i like being honest and writing honestly so i'm going to attempt to keep doing that to the best of my ability. but no pinkie swears
also see? if anyone besides jonathan (hi jonathan!) is still reading you made it to the juicy parts so good for you for sticking with it!
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