lessons learned.

I've been sucking it up lately as far as consistency goes and really the only way i can make up for it is poignancy and so here I go. 

I thought about writing on Sunday after returning home. I thought about writing Monday too after the epic (i use that word a lot but in this case EPIC is really fitting) Seahawks win. But doing a straight recap of events didn't seem honest and it took me today to figure out why. 

I could have told you that Saturday night was full of drama and too much booze and that we made it to the show only to be underwhelmed and to see the night go down in a blazing glory of whiskey and punches. And it would have been true (and for the record I did not drink too much or throw punches). But it also wouldn't have been honest  because there is more to say. 

Undoubtedly some of my very best memories of my 20's were spent at flowmotion shows dancing, making googoo eyes at Josh Clausen and flirting with hippie boys. It was a way to let go and feel good and feel sexy and really revel in being for all intensive purposes care free. And after a year of massive changes I wanted that comfort of the familiar and of youth and of being care free again. I thought I could go and have a few drinks and see this band that I've loved so dearly in the past and that it would be just the same as it was. 

What I didn't take into account is that I'm not the same as I was. And for the record flowmotion is not the same either (they were playing without the lead guitarist. it was lame sauce). I can't get wasted without carefree abandon now because unlike in my youth I get embarrassed when I step on people or spill on them or otherwise make an ass of myself. The thought of being in public and out of control terrifies me. Not only that but when I see people I care about left defenseless by imbibing too much I worry and its not the kind of worry that can be danced away to a funky beat. Flirting with hippies is pointless since I somehow wrangled the cutest quasi hippie boy there is and after all of the rumors of ego trips and back stabbing Josh Clausen has lost his luster. 

There is no going back. There is no returning to my stupid days of being young. There is only this comfortable subdued present and the unknown adventures of the future.