The fake out...

I figure at this point any curious stealth readers will have dropped off figuring i've given up on my blogging resolution.  I have to a point, a blog a week if not more is my new goal. And i accept that sometimes that might not happen. but anyways.

right now tonight this is going to act as a journal. i'm not proof reading, punctuating or capitalizing although i don't do a lot of that stuff in general so really not so different

I think there are things that can only really be done well alone. I prefer to read alone although i can enjoy a book in company if i'm comfortable or if the book is more exciting than the company. I also prefer to write alone.

I keep trying to find the exact right poetic way to say that i feel like a black hole personified. i am the walking equivalent of am empty space and my need is terrifying and powerful. need for love, need for validation, need for affection and ego stroking. I feel like an actual vacuous pit.

The above statement sounds really silly and quite a lot like 16 year old me has come back to blog but i don't have a better way to say it.

I just don't feel like a whole person anymore. I find myself lacking motivation to write even because I feel like my ideas are stupid and not worth reading. I know that's not a very nice way to think about myself and that negative self talk (mental, written and said a loud) aren't good for me but its the truth as to why I haven't been blogging.

I think the very worst thing is that feeling this way is really all on me. I have a supportive partner and family who do everything they can but its never enough to fill the bottomless need pit. job, friends. blah. its just me. i can't seem to find a way to like myself or see the value in what i offer a lot of the time. I can sometimes. many times but then some days, or weeks, or maybe even once or twice month it slips through my fingers like water.

so i'm working on finding my worth again and holding onto it tight but im finding that life makes it hard. and also that i make it hard for myself. but i like being honest and writing honestly so i'm going to attempt to keep doing that to the best of my ability. but no pinkie swears

also see? if anyone besides jonathan (hi jonathan!) is still reading you made it to the juicy parts so good for you for sticking with it!